Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Basketball
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?