{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump