Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
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this isn’t threatening at all
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir