Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.