dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
two people or more is called a problem
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
japanese corn
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My Guy
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once