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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second