cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!