I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Snapes on a plane.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*