And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
plums roundup
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.