moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
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(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck