FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: