Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Aight bet
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities