Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves