Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
just left a huge legacy in there
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.