Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog