My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
A leaf blower, but for people.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down