HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*checks Timeline*…
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS