My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.