What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Noted.