If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.