why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*