We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Muppet Screams
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.