I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?