I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”