$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
cat vs inanimate object
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.