Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
had to make it
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.