Just parrot things
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock