Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
You Might Also Like
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color