the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim