UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.