If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha