Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
HOW DARE YOU
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.