KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
You Might Also Like
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward