King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
It was worth a shot 😂
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.