[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
You Might Also Like
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old