Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?