Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach