saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour