14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?