interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Name this drama.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.