I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”