wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.