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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name