*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
SPLOOT
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?