Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
NASA has no chill
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?