The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE