I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.