Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
#parenting
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.