Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
birds and squirrels envy us
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
This forever.