Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Same pineapple, same
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
dutch is not a serious language
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?